jesuskirkandvinny:

Kirk’s Self-Portrait: Captain on Can!

While Jesus continues to hold our TV hostage, Kirk decided to fight fire with whatever-you’d-call-reading-a-Jesus-book-while-dumping is.  Subtlety may not be one of Kirk’s finer points but you have to admit he’s effective.

Last night, Kirk got pissed when Jesus forced us to watch baseball (or as Kirk calls it, “a dumb, non-flying guy’s quidditch.”) on TBS.  Kirk watched a few innings, yelling “borrring” ever third or fourth pitch, and then stormed off to his bedroom mumbling something about “it’s on.”  Great.  Another Kirk and Jesus Feud.  Collateral damage: Me!

This is what I live with: Jesus on a non-stop Conan vigil; Kirk plotting revenge as only he can (pun intended!).

LMAO!

jesuskirkandvinny:

We See Jesus in the Shower!

Okay, so it’s not Jesus.  It’s Kenny Powers, aka Danny McBride.  But we still think the resemblance is striking: same mullet, same bikini-thong tan, and same tendency to sob in the shower.  Weird, right?!  What’s up Jesus’ twin?

jesuskirkandvinny:

Our first video.  300 pictures in 100 days.

OMG!

jesuskirkandvinny:

The Matrix.  Kirk is The One.

Of course he is.

jesuskirkandvinny:

The Matrix.  I’m The Agent.  Jesus is Trinity.  Kirk is Neo.

You might notice that Jesus isn’t using a gun.  He hates them; and even if he didn’t, it’s not like we have one just laying around the house.  That’s a fish.  Jesus is blowing me away with a fish.  He’s not too comfortable working with props.

jesuskirkandvinny:

Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin Eve.

Goodbye 200fucking9!

So Jesus has been bummed out all week.  I get it: Christmas time is not Jesus time!

For anyone, having your birthday on Christmas sucks.  But for Jesus, his birthday IS Christmas (and he never lets us forget it!).  And then to top it all off, his birthday is the basis for the whole Western Calendar.  So every time Jesus looks at any date, like on a newspaper or receipt, it’s an immediate reminder of how old he is.  That’s got to be tough.  But at the same time, he’s been going through this for a couple of thousand years.  How much advance warning do you need?

We thought Dick Clark would cheer him up but the poor guy is still recovering from his stroke and nothing makes you feel old and in the shitter like watching a guy with multiple face lifts slur his way around a countdown.  I mean the guy went front “13” to “10”!

Then they switched to Seacrest.  Everybody gives old Ryan a tough time but I like him.  He’s just funny enough to make you smile and it’s a good bet he’ll say at least two stupid things an hour and then crack on himself for it.  I love it when he tries to out bitch Juliana on E! news.

Fergie was hosting from Las Vegas.  I don’t know what it is but her face is weird.  Really weird.  Something is not right about it but I can’t figure out what.  Even Jesus agrees that she has a rockin bod but her face “has serious issues.”  Some scientists from NIH should do some lab work on her and figure out what the hell is going on there.  Kirk says that her real name is Edward Estevez and that she’s Emilio’s long lost retarded brother who just happens to be a great dancer.  And looking at her then, I really couldn’t argue one bit.

Then the horror show continued as Dick Clark and some chick that may or may not have been his wife (I said nurse. Jesus said older cousin.) made out geriatric style.  It was like watching two paramecium mate!  That really depressed Jesus.

See ya shittiest decade ever!

jesuskirkandvinny:

Happy New Year, Charlie Brown

So this has got to be the saddest thing ever.  Kirk told us we’d have to see this cartoon called, “Peanuts”.  Now Jesus and I had never heard of it but we love “Family Guy” and “South Park” so we were both pretty psyched to see what Kirk called, “a holiday classic.”  BIG MISTAKE.  This thing was a total turd right from the get-go.

It’s about some loser named Charlie Brown who Jesus was pretty sure had that Benjamin Button disease, you know where you were born an old dude.  I mean the kid was bald and everything so I think he was right.  Anyway, nobody seemed to like this total dork, even his dog—and dogs set the bar pretty low when it comes to liking people: open a can, hold a leash.  That’s it.

Man was the pacing of this thing sllllloooooow.  Every time we were expecting someone to get thrown in a snow blower or get hit by a school bus…NOTHING happened.  Not even a fantasy sequence!  They didn’t even make fun of Jews or Mexicans either.  WTF, Charles Shultz!?!?

Anyway, that bald loser has to read “War and Peace” during his Christmas break but all he really wants to do is dance with this “little red-headed girl.”  Jesus said that the only way “that tard could get a chick…would be in a rape van.”  And that seemed about right.

But the poor bald kid learns how to dance anyway and Jesus and I made fun of the whole thing.  And then Kirk and I played like we were Lucy and Linus (he’s some nerdy music dork (what are you looking at, Adam Lambert?) and she’s a straight-up nympho) but because Kirk can’t play the piano, he just bongo-ed on Jesus’ wine jug.

But then it happened.  We were all making fun of that bald freak when the poor doofus learns that he missed the dance AND the little red-hair girl was there!!!  None of his friends liked him enough to call him or get him.  He just fell asleep reading that shitty Tolstoy book.  He just stands there with that stupid look on his face as he stares out the door and realizes that the rest of his life will be just like this…spent alone on New Year’s with a stupid book in his hands that he’s just too bored to read.

It was like getting kicked in the balls and the stomach at the exact same time.  We all pretty much shut up after that.  And I don’t any of us said another word that night.

jesuskirkandvinny:

Pineapple Express.  Jesus is Gary Cole.  Kirk is Seth Rogen.

This is probably one of Jesus’ favorite movies.  Every time he cleans the windows (usually Tuesdays), he pulls the Windex trigger and says, “They picked on the wrong melon farmers.”  Then he sprays the window and in a high-pitched voice says, “Thug life.”

jesuskirkandvinny:

Pineapple Express.  Jesus is Gary Cole.  Kirk is Seth Rogen.

This is probably one of Jesus’ favorite movies.  Every time he cleans the windows (usually Tuesdays), he pulls the Windex trigger and says, “They picked on the wrong melon farmers.”  Then he sprays the window and in a high-pitched voice says, “Thug life.”